Crying. Strength or Weakness?

I have some very sad news. My sister passed away a few days ago after a short, intense journey with cancer. She was only 42 years old. She leaves behind a loving husband of 14 years and 2 young children - 12 and 8 years old.

Shortly after her passing, I was talking with someone on the phone about my relationship with my sister. I was being open, honest and deeply sincere as I explained that I feel that for most of my life I misunderstood her and her sometimes seemingly odd behaviour.  As I shared this, I started to tear up, and I told the person that I was getting emotional talking about it.

The person on the other end said “Oh, don’t cry. Strong women don’t cry.”

Where did this concept ever come from? How did crying ever become a sign of weakness?

I know I am not the only one to have heard something like this. It comes in a few different variations, “Men don’t cry.” “Strong men don’t cry.” “Cowboys don’t cry.” “Man up.” “Stop your crying.” “No crying allowed.”

It doesn’t matter if you are a woman or a man, crying is a normal human behaviour. It is healing and cleansing and, in my opinion, ultimately a sign of strength.

Crying is a display and expression of emotion. It takes strength to truly be with and express an emotion that is happening inside of you because it may not be easy and it may not be comfortable to get in touch with that feeling.

For what reasons would we not allow ourselves to cry? Here are a few I can think of and why I think they aren’t really valid.

One, we are afraid we can’t stop the crying once it starts. I’m not going to minimize this fear. It is a very real fear for some people. But, as grief expert, David Kessler says, “In all my years of working with people, I have not met one person who didn’t stop crying eventually.” (not a direct quote). If we know that we have the strength to stop crying, then we would allow ourselves to cry. Therefore, crying would be a sign of strength.

Two, we are afraid of what others think of us. Again, a real fear, but as we become stronger in our self-security we start to concern ourselves less with what others think of us and concern ourselves more with being genuine. Therefore, crying would be a sign of strength.

Three, it feels unsafe to cry, maybe because we were judged for crying in the past. Our past experiences have a very real effect on our present behaviours - if we haven’t fully emotionally processed those experiences, grown from them, and let them go. Processing and growth is a sign of strength. If you feel safe to cry, then crying is a sign of strength.

Four, my crying makes other people uncomfortable. The reason other people are uncomfortable with your crying is because they are uncomfortable with their own emotions. Due to how the human brain functions with mirror neurons, seeing you cry as you experience these emotions triggers those same emotions inside them and because they don’t have the skills to handle them, they get uncomfortable. Knowing that you can be comfortable with other people’s discomfort is a strength. Therefore, crying is a sign of strength.

Strong women cry. Strong men cry.

I cry. Do you?

Here’s to conquering stress.

With heart,

Louise

The Stress Experts