"So What Should I Be Telling Myself?"

There’s something that many of my clients don’t understand before coming to see me.

They often believe that if they could just change their thinking, they would finally feel the way they want to feel. More confident. More calm. More motivated. More at peace.

While our thoughts certainly matter, what many people don't realize is that these internal experiences aren't created by thinking alone. They're deeply influenced by what's happening in the body—particularly the nervous system.

One of the questions I hear often is, "So what should I be telling myself?" It's a great question—but it's often the wrong place to start. Before our thoughts can change our experience, our nervous system often needs to feel safe enough to receive them.

Why does this matter?

Have you ever been afraid? Maybe of heights, of failure, of getting laughed at…or really of anything? Your mind might start racing, your breath may quicken, you may start sweating, trembling.

And in those moments, have you ever tried telling yourself that you aren’t afraid or “there’s nothing to be afraid of” or “don’t think of it”? You might even try telling yourself, “You’ve got this.” Does it work to clear your mind, settle your body and stop the sweating and trembling?

Chances are, no, it doesn’t. 

You might be able to do or face the thing you’re afraid of, but what you tell yourself has very little impact on your actual internal experience.

The reason is that our thoughts aren't the only thing influencing how we feel. Our nervous system also plays a powerful role in determining which emotional states feel available to us.

Take confidence, for example. If you lack confidence and doubt yourself, you might believe that banishing those thoughts or trying to force yourself into a “confident mindset” is the solution to feeling confident.

But what’s actually happening isn’t simply a mindset problem—it is the nervous system giving you important information. Often, your nervous system has learned that confidence isn't entirely safe.

Maybe, for you, having confidence has been negatively associated with being overly arrogant or prideful, and those kinds of people weren't well received. 

Maybe if you were confident you would have to take on more responsibility and you’re already feeling overloaded. 

Maybe having confidence means needing to make hard decisions that you’ve been putting off. 

Maybe having confidence means you’ll be noticed and that feels vulnerable.

When you zoom out, your lack of confidence may actually make perfect sense. It can be an intelligent strategy your nervous system developed to protect you.

If you want to feel confident, you need to help your nervous system recognize that it is safe enough to be in that state.

“Fixing your thinking” does little in the way of helping your nervous system recognize safety.

Helping your nervous system feel safe looks different. It isn't about forcing more positive thoughts. It's about creating experiences of safety through things like self-compassion, supportive relationships, regulated breathing, tapping, movement, and other practices that communicate safety to the body. As your nervous system begins to settle, confidence often follows naturally. You don't have to force it.

Whatever state you're longing for—more confidence, calm, peace, joy, self-worth, assertiveness, trust, vulnerability, or hope—your nervous system needs to experience those states as safe before they become more available. When you begin working with your nervous system—not against it—change becomes much less about forcing yourself and much more about creating the conditions for lasting change.

The goal isn't to find the perfect thing to tell yourself. It's to help your nervous system experience those states as safe enough to become available.

Here’s to calming stress at the source.

With heart,

Louise

The Stress Experts