Sometimes you are unaware of it, but looking for approval or trying to live up to someone’s expectations is something we regularly do. The approval feels good and makes us feel that we belong and are acceptable.
But what happens when we don’t meet someone’s expectations? What if we feel we fall short or are inadequate? We call it a “weakness” and “weakness” is deemed as “bad”. We feel unacceptable. We feel we don’t belong and feel separate. This is emotionally and psychologically painful.
So we cover the weakness with a coping mechanism and we will feel acceptable again. This is usually done unconsciously.
For example, Lilly is funny and sarcastic and makes jokes whenever she can. Everyone loves Lilly. But, 12 years ago, Lilly lost her daughter in a car accident. She never fully grieved her loss and on some level, she feels that everyone thinks that 12 years should have been long enough to grieve; it is time to be over it. She covers her “uncomfortable and socially undesirable” pain with the socially approved humour and that way she feels accepted and no one can see the “weakness”.
Humour is not always a coping mechanism; sometimes it is a personality trait, but it can be used as a cover or a coping mechanism.
Anger and rage is coping mechanism. If the person feels that anger is more acceptable than his or her “weakness”, it could be used as a cover.
For example, Tony is 42 and doesn’t speak to his family of origin and it truly, deep down kills him inside. He hates when people talk about his situation with him because it gets him crying and he believes that men shouldn’t have emotions, so he uses anger as a means to keep people away. A means to hide his weakness.
We each have a repertoire of coping mechanisms that we use as masks. These masks take a lot of our energy to maintain, so eventually you feel exhausted. And the masks hide the real you inside, keeping you seemingly safe and yet keeping you unseen, unknown, separate.
Then, you begin to feel isolated because it feels like people don’t know the “real” you. They only know the mask you display.
So the strategy that once served you, now works against you. What helped you feel less separate then, is the reason for the feelings of separation now.
What is the way out?
Addressing and releasing the unconscious programs that keep you stuck. Programs such as “weakness is bad”, “you should be over the death of your daughter”, “men shouldn’t have emotions”, “I need their approval”, “if they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me or they would leave me”.
Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT/Tapping) is a research-proven, gentle way to reprogram your mind and get you unstuck so you can remove the mask and still feel safe and acceptable - no forcing, no shaming, no "should-ing."
EFT helps you stop “coping” with your challenges and allows you to release them instead.
Ask yourself: What coping mechanisms do I have in place? What “weakness” am I trying to hide?
Is it time to let down the mask, stop feeling exhausted, and authentically connect with others? Try EFT, now with a FREE discovery call, virtual or in-person. What are you waiting for?
Here’s to conquering stress.
With heart,
Louise
The Stress Experts
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