Have you ever stopped and wondered why we communicate? Like, why bother? Especially when there is so much heartache, hurt, and pain caused by miscommunication, misinterpretation, and misunderstandings.
Is communication really worth the effort and the risk?
Yes! It is.
Communication is a process of relaying information. But, to humans, it is more than that.
Humans are social creatures. There are negative psychological effects when we are isolated and not able to communicate with others for prolonged periods of time. Social isolation is even used as a form of psychological torture and extreme coercion.
There are several memoirs and cases of individuals who were unable to communicate and, after gaining a method of communication, report that they gained a voice, an identity, a personhood because communication was now possible. Helen Keller is one of them.
We desire to be witnessed, seen, listened to, heard, and understood. When we have this, we feel safe - we have a sense of belonging and connection.
To have this, it doesn’t only require us to speak; it requires that there is someone to speak to. Someone who listens. Someone who receives the information.
And not just ‘anyone’ with ears to hear.
To really get our desires met, we need someone who actually listens. Someone who not only receives what we are saying but also accepts what we are saying. They don’t have to agree with it, but they acknowledge it as our truth from our perspective. This is called validation.
You can help others feel a sense of connection and belonging by really listening to them (and often you then feel a sense of connection and belonging as a result of listening).
There are several mistakes we tend to make instead of really listening that drive disconnection and can lead to broken relationships.
Do you tend to do any of these 4 mistakes?
1- Redirecting the spotlight.
The speaker has just shared a difficult story with you and you immediately begin telling your own story of something similar. You’re attempting to relate to them and let them know they are not alone. But it shifts the spotlight to you. You are now the speaker, not the listener. And the listener doesn’t feel heard.
2- Cheerleading.
The speaker has just shared how hard things are right now. You try to cheer them up and encourage them. “You’re strong. You’ve got this.” Or, “I know you can do this.” It is coming from a good place but is often felt by the speaker as invalidation - that you don’t actually get the depths of how they are feeling. To the speaker, they get the subtle message that it’s wrong to feel how they are feeling - they are supposed to be cheery.
3- Solving and fixing.
The speaker explains a problem happening in their life and you focus on solving and fixing their problem. “What do you think you should do?” Or, “what can I do to help?”. Or “what have you tried so far.” You are trying to help but your focus is not on the speaker, it is on the problem. Jumping to solutions first may feel more comfortable to you but it emotionally hurts the speaker.
4- Taking it personally.
The speaker shares what’s going well in their life, and what is working for them. And you feel that they are criticizing your life. It feels like they are telling you what you should change to be better, right, or more like them. And you close down, and/or get defensive and no longer listen to the speaker.
I called these “mistakes” but they are actually behaviours that are most likely the result of having unresolved issues of your own that you may not be aware of and the speaker triggers these issues. In other words, the speaker unknowingly pokes the “sore spots” that you didn’t even know you had.
And the way you deal with the pain of the sore spot being poked is by engaging in one of these behaviours. AND YOU DON’T KNOW THAT YOU’RE DOING IT! That’s why it is called ‘unconscious’ behaviours - you are ‘unaware’.
For example, maybe it feels like no one really understands what you’re going through or have been through and how challenging it was for you, so when the speaker shares a difficult story with you, it seems like an opportunity for you to be heard and understood so you redirect the spotlight and share your story.
Maybe you feel guilty that you are actually doing okay in life while they are struggling, so you try to cheer them up so you don’t have to feel guilty.
Maybe what they say brings up old feelings of helplessness, so you jump to solving and fixing their problem so you feel a sense of power and control by taking action, thereby circumventing the feeling of helplessness.
Maybe what they say brings up feelings of inadequacy in you, so you interpret what they say as criticism.
So, how can you resolve your unresolved issues so that you can actually listen?
Step 1 - Recognize that you are engaging in the behaviour.
Step 2 - Process the emotional “juice” or “charge” that is holding the issue in place.
That’s where I can help. Understanding the problem is not enough. These patterns are stored in the emotional part of the brain and in the nervous system. You need a method that changes the patterns in the nervous system, not just in the mind.
Tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques/EFT) is just that method. Once you have released the old emotional patterns with EFT, listening becomes an honour and a privilege. miscommunication is no longer an issue, connections with others grow stronger, and you feel more centred and at peace.
Ready to start releasing old emotional patterns? Book your free 30-minute discovery call, here, to get started now. (Virtual or in-person.)
Here’s to conquering stress.
With heart,
Louise
The Stress Experts
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