I recently had a conversation with a man. He was frustrated as he explained to me the issues he was having in a relationship with another person.
“People don’t change,” was his conclusion.
This line stuck with me. It wasn’t the first time I had heard the phrase, but it was the first time I had paused to think about the truth of it.
Was he right?
Do people change?
I believe that people can change. They have the capability of changing, yes. They can adapt and grow.
Do they change? That’s a different question.
Occasionally, life can throw something at you - like a great loss - that changes you, whether you wanted to change or not! This change can be seen as “passive”.
But, if you are in a state - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual - that isn’t “desirable”, sitting around waiting for life to change you into a happier, calmer version of you is not a reliable strategy for change.
Meaningful change requires active participation. If requires awareness - recognizing patterns of thought, emotions, behaviours and motivations; dedication - a commitment and focus towards a goal; and perseverance - sustained effort.
And not everyone is willing or ready to put in that effort and work. If they don’t put it in, they don’t change.
So, are these people who don’t change just lazy? Weak?
Why don’t they put it in the effort?
I believe there are different reasons as to why people don’t put in the effort and work to change, that go beyond “laziness”.
Here are a few of those reasons:
1- People can have an unrealistic goal of “total, eternal, instant transformation,” as fellow EFT practitioner, Gene Monterastelli says. Anything less than that is not acceptable and not worth it, leaving us stuck where we are and not making any progress in changing. “If I can’t have it all 110% better, now, and forever, there’s no point.”
2- Monterastelli also talks about the acronym SAWD. If people do not feel Safe or Allowed to make the change, or they don’t feel Worthy or Deserving of the change, then they won’t take action or put in the effort to make the change.
3- The fear of failing. If they have tried to make the change and failed at it before, there might be resistance to trying to make the change again. The pain of failure is not easily forgotten. We are biologically wired to avoid pain.
4- The fear of success. If people were to be successful at making meaningful change, there may be undesirable consequences that may not be immediately obvious. “If I stop smoking, when will I get my “me” time?” “If I no longer struggle in my relationship with my husband, what will I talk to my girlfriends about?” “If I am happy, people might judge me.”
So, if you find yourself thinking, “people don’t change” - in reference to others or to yourself, just know that it is most likely not because of laziness or weakness, but because of something deeper.
There is some reason(s) that the change doesn’t feel “safe” to the nervous system, in the body.
And those deeper reasons for not changing can be addressed and released, so you can transform in ways that feel most aligned with your authentic self.
People can change and do change…with the right tools so they feel safe enough to make and sustain the change.
If something in this resonated with you, it might be a sign you’re ready for a different approach.
You don’t have to keep pushing, forcing, or wondering why change isn’t happening.
Book a free 30 minute discovery call and let’s explore what’s underneath the resistance so change can finally start to stick.
Here's to calming stress at the source.
With heart,
Louise
The Stress Experts
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