When Christmas Hurts: Navigating the Holidays with Grief

I love Christmas. The decorations, the lights, the palpable energy shift as the year comes to a close.

I watch Christmas movies, but I’m not entirely sure if I actually like them…they can be so lame. However, I recently enjoyed an animated Christmas movie on Netflix called, “That Christmas”.

In the movie, there is a quote:

“Christmas is a bit like an emotional magnifying glass. If you feel loved and happy, Christmas will make you feel even happier and more loved. But if you feel alone and unloved, the magnifier gets to work and makes all those bad things bigger and worse.”

I know not everyone loves Christmas. For some, it can be a very challenging time of year.

I received an email from The Daily Wellness - a free email list that sends out science-based tools and tips for mental wellness - that addressed this very idea and provided tips for navigating the season. It was written by Cherish A. Smith. I am sharing it here:

The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. But for people who are grieving—whether after a recent loss or years later—December can feel like standing in the middle of a brightly lit room while wrapped in emotional darkness. Everywhere you turn, the world is celebrating. Meanwhile, your heart is just trying to make it through the day.

As a therapist, I often hear clients say, "Everyone expects me to be happy… but I'm barely holding it together." If this is you, please know: nothing is wrong with you. Holidays can hurt, sometimes deeply, when grief is present.

Why Holidays Feel Especially Painful When You're Grieving

Grief naturally pulls us inward. It slows us down, makes us reflective, and heightens the tender places inside us. Holidays, however, do the opposite—they pull outward. They ask us to gather, celebrate, smile, prepare, perform.

This contrast can create:

Intense isolation: You may feel like the only person in the room carrying pain.
Emotional dissonance: The joy around you may feel jarring or even cruel.
Pressure to "try and enjoy it": Well-meaning family and friends may urge positivity, not realizing how invalidating that can feel.
Reactivated wounds: Holidays often bring up childhood memories, family dynamics, and younger parts of us that once felt overwhelmed, unseen, or unsupported.

And grief doesn't only come from death. People grieving a divorce, estrangement, illness, loss of functioning, or loss of identity can feel equally unmoored during this season. Whether your loss was recent or happened years ago, the holidays can magnify absence. You are not doing the holidays wrong. You are not doing grief wrong. You are doing what humans do when the heart breaks.

When Holidays Hurt: A G.I.F.T. for Grieving Hearts

To help you move through this difficult season, here is a gentle four-step framework—a G.I.F.T. for anyone navigating grief while the world celebrates.

G — Grieve Your Loss

There is no right way to grieve—especially during the holidays.

Your grief may feel heavier this time of year: hollow, overwhelming, lonely, angry, or exhausting. You may not want to participate in traditions that once brought comfort. You may feel out of sync with the people around you.

Grief might look like:

Crying
Not crying
Withdrawing
Staring into space
Remembering
Feeling numb
Wanting company
Needing solitude

Every expression of grief is valid.

Your mind isn't broken. Your heart is hurting—and hurt needs room.

I — Invitation to Choose What Supports You

Give yourself permission to choose what actually feels supportive, not what you "should" do.

Ask yourself:

Which people feel comforting right now?
Which events or traditions feel okay—and which feel too painful?
What do I genuinely need, separate from expectations?

Consider making a gentle Plan A and Plan B:

Plan A: Attend the gathering, but only for as long as feels manageable.
Plan B: Have a soft landing—your favorite meal, a warm drink, a quiet movie, a safe friend to text—if you need to step away early.

A backup plan isn't avoidance. It's compassion.

F — Freedom to Cancel the Holidays

You are allowed to do the holidays differently this year.

You can skip:

The family photo
The party
The decorating
The gift exchange
The card-sending

Taking space doesn't mean you'll never enjoy the holidays again. It simply means you can't this year—yet. "Yet" honours that grief is not static. It shifts and softens in its own time.

T — Trust Your Choices

Trust what you need, even if others don't understand.

Make intentional space for your grief
Write a letter to your loved one
Cook their favorite meal
Light a candle or hang a memory ornament
Sit quietly and breathe
Share a story about them
Visit a meaningful place

Trusting yourself doesn't mean fulfilling others' expectations—it means honoring what your heart knows is true. If your holiday is slow, quiet, gentle, or solitary, that's okay.

You Are Not Alone

Grieving during the holidays can feel unbearably isolating, but you are not alone in this experience. The pain you're carrying is real, valid, and worthy of care. Whether you choose to participate, modify, or opt out entirely, you deserve to move through this season at the pace your heart can handle.

If you need extra support this month, here are some helpful resources that offer support for holiday grief:

A free live online support session (Dec 21, 2:00pm CST) about grief during the holidays: davidkesslertraining.com/holiday-grief-support
David Kessler also offers access to a year-round online grief support community: davidkesslertraining.com/tenderhearts
Community, support, and resources from GriefShare: griefshare.org
Group therapy and other support groups: psychologytoday.com/us
Grief & Loss Anonymous: griefandlossanonymous.org

You don't have to navigate this alone. If you're feeling especially overwhelmed and finding it hard to survive the holidays, consider reaching out to a friend, joining a support group, or connecting with a mental health professional. Accessing support is not a sign of weakness—it's a brave, compassionate step.

Be gentle with yourself. This season may hurt—but you don't have to navigate it without compassion, choice, and community.

(Me, again…)

Tapping/EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) is a very helpful tool to use, too! While I have yet to make a tapping video of my own on this topic, check out this short video from Melanie Moore

Hopefully, if you are struggling during this season, these tips and resources can support you.

Here’s to conquering stress.

With heart,

Louise

The Stress Experts

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