A couple days ago, I was suddenly hit with the feeling of being unvaluable/worthless. The feeling was strong and it felt quite true.
My mind even found evidence to support the feeling. “Right, yesterday, I said something stupid to my friend. Oh, yeah, there was that time last week when my project didn’t work out like it was supposed to. Oh, and those 3 people unsubscribed from my email list. Look at that, it’s true, I am worthless.”
But is it really true? If I’m feeling it...
I used to struggle with the concept: “You create your own reality.”
I used to think, “Bulls**t! Life happens to me and I have no say in the matter.”
But I have come to change my mind. I may not create ALL of my reality, but I definitely have a larger influence on it than I originally thought. And maybe after you read this, you will see how you, too, are creating your reality.
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Imagine you are walking down the street in a town. You see a man walking towards you. He’s wearing a really heavy backpack and in his hands, he’s carrying heavy items. You can see that he is very tired, weary, stooped over. You look down and see his shoes are worn thin from the very long distance he has walked. His legs are wobbling. Then, as you near him, he stumbles and falls.
What do you do?
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I sometimes work with clients that have had too much stress for a very long time. They have tried many things to lower their stress level. Some of those things work for them and some don’t. The things that helped lower the level of stress at one time are no longer working for them, and it’s not for lack of trying! They ask me why this is.
It is at this point that I use the analogy of the “straw that broke the camel’s back” to explain what’s happening.
When I was a Physiotherapist, my clients would come see me when they were enough pain that they couldn’t tolerate it anymore and sought help. After a course of treatment with me, the pain would decrease back down to a manageable or tolerable level and most often they would stop coming at this point.
Some of these clients would still rate their pain at 2 out of 10 but it was a “normal” amount of pain for them, so they were “comfortable” and were content to live with it - not even entertaining the thought that it was possible for the pain to be 0 out of 10!
Why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to tell someone?
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We live in a culture where some emotions are believed to be “acceptable” and “allowed” and some are not, typically for certain groups of people. For example, farmers are supposed to be strong and not depressed, women are supposed to be gentle and not angry, men are supposed to be tough and not sad.
But what if you are a farmer and you feel depressed, or a woman and feel angry, or a man and feel sad?
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I have some very sad news. My sister passed away a few days ago after a short, intense journey with cancer. She was only 42 years old. She leaves behind a loving husband of 14 years and 2 young children - 12 and 8 years old.
Shortly after her passing, I was talking with someone on the phone about my relationship with my sister. I was being open, honest and deeply sincere as
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About a month ago, my youngest sister had her first baby, a girl. I am so happy for her and her husband.
But about one week after she was born, I started to notice that something inside me was off. I was still happy but there was a mix of something else. Something not-so-happy and unpleasant to experience. For a couple of days, I just ignored it, thinking it would pass. But it got worse.
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I recently purchased an app called Commune - a course platform for personal and societal well-being. On this app, I learned something from Jeff Krasno that I am sharing with you, here. It is a form of stoic mediation that helps to change your perception and increase your gratitude, thereby decreasing your stress.
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Stress is physiological disharmony that takes place inside of you. This disharmony is noticeable; if you are paying attention to your inside world, you can feel when you are stressed and then do something to remedy that. But sometimes, or maybe oftentimes, we are too distracted by our outside world to notice what is happening inside of us.
Eventually, your body and mind start getting your attention by showing you signs that you are stressed and must change something in order to prevent further negative effects of stress.
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It is incredibly difficult to witness someone suffering. You want to take the suffering away, you may even wish to take it on yourself. You may try to fix the problem for them, but usually you can’t. You feel so helpless.
What is there to do if you can’t take the suffering away and you can’t fix the problem?
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“Think positive” sounds like a nice piece of advice to give to someone going through a difficult time. We mean well when we give it but actually it can sometimes be more harmful than helpful.
Imagine going through a really difficult time. Your emotions are everywhere, uncontrollable. Maybe you’re feeling hopeless because you just lost your job and finances are tight, bills are due, the kids need new clothes, a window in the house is leaking, and the car has a check engine light and is making a funny noise. Everything is falling apart.
Your friend takes you out to buy you coffee. You’re sitting across from her, telling her your story, baring your soul and revealing your deepest fears.
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Things are different now, but several years ago, I was really trying to lose weight. Diets. Exercise. The whole shebang.
I would stand on the scale daily so that I could track my progress.
I remember there were several days I’d get up in the morning and feel good - I’d look in the mirror and think “Yeah, this is good. I’m looking healthier. I’m doing it. Good job, Louise.” I’d feel like I was making progress and that life was good.
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When it comes to stress management, it is of utmost importance that we take control of that which we can take control.
Try as we may, we cannot control people, their behaviour nor choices. We cannot control the weather, the flat tire, the traffic jam, nor technology glitches.
There are some things over which we have some influence - our health, our sleep, our day-to-day job.
But there is something that we can control.
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Have you ever tried to word something but you just can’t seem to formulate the words into sentences?
Well, that was my problem with writing this article.
And then I found a YouTube video that said what I was trying to say. Susan David shares her personal story of loss, life’s messiness and honest emotions.
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I am reading a book called “Transform Your Beliefs, Transform Your Life”, by Karl Dawson with Kate Marillat. As the title of the book suggests, your beliefs are an extremely powerful driving force in your life - whatever you believe, is your reality. Here is an excerpt I hope you find as interesting as I did:
In allopathic medicine, the absolute power of belief systems is shown through placeboes, or ‘fake medicine’.
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Do you feel that time is speeding up? That there is somehow less time in a day than there used to be?
Now, maybe there is some cosmic thing going on that the earth is spinning faster and the clocks are keeping up. Who knows.
But I have another theory.
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“I’m such an idiot.”
“I’m too fat…no donut for me.”
“Nice one, loser.”
“I’m such a screw-up.”
“He wouldn’t like me, I’m ugly.”
“I’m not going to try…I’ll only fail anyway.”
“I’m not good enough.”
How often have you said these kinds of things to yourself? Probably countless times, maybe daily.
Now imagine saying this to a child…
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I was 17 years old, a week or 2 after I graduated high school, before having Google maps on a phone was a thing, when I was involved in a car accident.
I was driving my family farm’s delivery van loaded with eggs to a store in a near city. It was my first time driving to this location and I wasn’t really sure how to get there. Before leaving the farm with my younger sister as a passenger, my older sister had shown me where I was to go on a map
Nervous but quite confident, I went on my way. Getting into the city, I missed my exit...
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