Imagine you are walking down the street in a town. You see a man walking towards you. He’s wearing a really heavy backpack and in his hands, he’s carrying heavy items. You can see that he is very tired, weary, stooped over. You look down and see his shoes are worn thin from the very long distance he has walked. His legs are wobbling. Then, as you near him, he stumbles and falls.
What do you do?
Do you ignore him and keep walking like he isn’t there?
Do you call him a wuss, or a wimp, a sissy?
Do you say that he is a loser or a weakling?
Do you demand that he stands up and keeps moving?
Do you insult him or abuse him with your words or actions?
No, you wouldn’t. No human with a beating heart would do such a thing. You’d more likely ask him if he’s alright. You’d offer to help him or get him help. You’d ask him his story - where he’s from, where he’s going, why he’s carrying such a heavy load.
You’d show him kindness and compassion. You would try to understand. You’d be gentle.
This just makes sense.
But, man, do things change when we see ourselves as this worn down man/woman. When we feel like we are carrying a heavy load, and we fall over or struggle to just stand, we stop at nothing to hurl insults at ourselves, badger and berate ourselves. “Pull your sh*! together!” “Keep moving, weakling!” Or we do everything we can to ignore that part of us like it isn’t even there.
Just showing yourself compassion and gentleness can seem like a “wussy” thing to do! Even if you find yourself metaphorically (or maybe even literally!) on the ground under the heavy load of life, stress, and emotions, you’re treating yourself in ways no one ever deserves.
For a large majority of people, our relationship with ourselves has become all about force, power, control, and demand of the self, with no room for kindness, acceptance or even acknowledgement.
I believe there may be a few reasons we treat ourselves this way, but I think they really all boil down to one major reason:
Your past experiences. If, when you were growing up, you heard or saw anything that gave you the message that it wasn’t ok or acceptable to feel a negative emotion - “Don’t cry.” “Crying is going to help.” “I’ll give you something to cry about.” “Just be happy.” “I’ll give you X if you change your attitude.” “If you don’t smarten up, you can find a new home to live in or family to live with.” - then it makes sense that you learned that it is not safe to have a negative emotion, and it still feels true even decades later, so you try to ignore and/or stop feeling it ASAP.
And, typically, the way you try to stop feeling this negative emotion is in the way you learned to deal with emotions from your past experiences from those people raising you (parents, teachers, coaches, anyone “in authority”) - force, control, demand, a “do-it-or-else” attitude.
I am not in any way blaming parents. They are doing the best they can with what they have, the way they were raised, and their own past experiences.
But this cycle can change. It can stop.
What would happen if you treated yourself with the same kindness as you would to that random man on the street?
What would happen if you acknowledged that part of you that is weary and stumbling? “Hey, I see you.”
What would happen if you asked that part of you its story? “What is this load you are carrying? Why are you carrying it?”
What would happen if you try to understand yourself?
Be gentle.
Ready to break the cycle and release the programming from your past so you can relate to yourself in a kind and healing way? Discover how with a free 30 min discovery call. Book here.
Here’s to conquering stress.
With heart,
Louise
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