Every once in a while I tend to notice common themes in some of my clients.
Recently, I have been hearing my clients say something along these lines: “My life is good. I have a good job. I have a house. I have food. I’ve got people who love me and whom I love. I’ve got kids/grandkids. …but why am I feeling this way? Why am I not happy? Look how blessed I am! There must be something wrong with me. It is unreasonable.”
Maybe you can relate.
Do you wonder why you feel the negative way you do when you are actually living a “blessed” life? Do you compare your life to others around you and think, “They have it harder than me - I should be feeling better than I do”? Do you ever think, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”?
I think that, unconsciously, we get this idea of how we should feel as a result of how life is going. But the way life is going and how you are feeling are actually 2 separate things.
When things get challenging we assume and expect that negative feelings are guaranteed to follow. When things are going well, we assume and expect that positive feelings are guaranteed to follow.
But we are more complex than that!
Here are my thoughts on this:
1- When we find ourselves not in alignment with how we believe we should be feeling, we tend to beat ourselves up or shame ourselves for feeling a certain way, showing no compassion to ourselves. As if telling yourself to feel differently - or even demanding it!- actually works!
I don’t have children, but I have never once heard a parent say, “When my little Johnny is freaking out on the floor in a tantrum, I just tell him to stop feeling angry and be happy and he says, ‘Ok, Mommy’, stands up and smiles.”
Yeah, it doesn’t work like that!
What does Johnny actually need emotionally in that moment when he is angry on the floor? Does he need you to yell at him? Does he need you to demand that he feel happy? Does he need you to pull your love and connection away and abandon him in his intense feelings? Or does he need support, validation, understanding and acceptance?
Imagine you have a little Johnny in you. He is feeling angry, sad, worried, low, or any other negative emotion. It is your responsibility to care for this little Johnny. Do you demand that he feel happy? Do you shame him? Do you try to exile him/shove him and his feelings down and ignore him? Or do you get curious and give validation and acceptance?
2- There is nothing wrong with you for feeling negative when life seems positive. It usually happens when there is a part of you (that you are not wanting to look at) trying to get your attention.
Your negative emotions are messengers, get curious about the message. Here are some questions to get the curiosity flowing: “If I assume there is a reason for me to feel this way, what might the reason be? What could I possibly be afraid of in this positive situation? What does this positive situation mean about me? What might other people think of me in this positive situation? Do I feel that I deserve this positive situation?”
3- A positive situation tends to foster positive feelings but it does not guarantee them. A negative situation tends to foster negative feelings but it does not guarantee them.
Let me repeat myself from earlier, the situation and your emotions about the situation are 2 separate things. If you want to feel positive (I’m not talking about a positive mindset - but truly experiencing positive emotions such as a sense of confidence or calm) in all situations, you need emotional regulation skills, including self-awareness and radical self-acceptance and self-compassion. These are skills you can learn!
And I can help. Book your free, virtual or in-person, 30-minute discovery call and get started today, here.
PS. I’m excited to share with you that I was featured in the Winnipeg Sun News this week. Check it out, here.
Here’s to conquering stress.
With heart,
Louise
The Stress Experts
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