You Don’t Have to Earn the Right to Feel

There is a piece of advice that has been around for a very long time — be grateful.

Seemingly simple. Seemingly easy. Seemingly harmless.

And yet I am noticing a common pattern in my clients where “being grateful” isn’t always as harmless as it seems.

Don’t get me wrong! I know that a practice of gratitude has amazing benefits. Carol Look explores many of these benefits in her book Yes, Thank You, drawing on research showing associations between gratitude and things like well-being, happiness and stress.

So I’m not arguing against gratitude.

The problem I’m seeing isn’t gratitude itself. The problem is when we use gratitude to argue with our emotions.

With positive intention, we use gratitude to “correct” an emotion before we’ve even acknowledged it because we judge the emotion as wrong.

"I'm sad."
"But I have so much to be grateful for."

"I'm angry."
"But other people have it so much worse."

"I feel rejected."
"That's ridiculous. They probably didn't mean anything by it."

"I'm overwhelmed."
"I shouldn't be. I should be grateful. My life is good."

I find “but other people have it so much worse” especially interesting.

While it is true — and it will most likely always be true — do we have to wait until our suffering is greater than everyone else's before we're allowed to admit that something is hard?

Do we have to win gold at the suffering Olympics before we are allowed to feel our feelings?

Just because someone else might be carrying a heavier load than you, doesn’t mean that what you are carrying weighs nothing.

If we only acknowledge how we feel when we have a legitimate reason, we will spend a lot of time and energy arguing with ourselves about whether our reason is legitimate.

What is the correct number of “things to be grateful for” that you need before you're allowed to have a difficult day? Five? Two? Ten? If you have one thing to be grateful for, are you allowed to be sad?

But what if being grateful for what you have doesn't mean you have to deny what you're feeling?

You don’t have to earn the right to feel the way you feel.

Consider this statement: “This is hard for me right now."

It doesn't require comparison.

It doesn't mean your life is terrible.

It doesn't mean you aren't grateful.

It doesn't mean you won't eventually feel differently.

It simply acknowledges your current experience.

And perhaps that's where we need to start.

Because when we stop arguing with ourselves about whether we're allowed to feel what we feel, we can finally turn our energy and attention toward what we actually need.

Here's to calming stress at the source.

With heart,

Louise

The Stress Experts

Did this blog help you?

Consider sharing it with someone who needs to hear it!

Have a question?

Let me know. I love answering questions! Contact me!