“Get it out.”
“Let it out.”
“Release it.”
But what exactly is the “it” we are talking about?
I started thinking about this because of the word express.
It actually has more than one meaning.
One definition is to squeeze something out.
Another is to communicate or convey something.
When we're talking about expressing an emotion, which definition do we mean?
We sometimes talk about emotions as though they're something that builds up inside us and needs to be squeezed out, pushed out, or released.
But an emotion isn't a substance sitting inside you that needs to be expelled.
It is an experience you're having.
Expressing an emotion isn't about getting something out of you.
It's about communicating what you're experiencing.
Maybe you say, “I'm angry.”
Maybe you tell someone, “That really hurt me.”
Maybe you cry.
Maybe you write about what you're feeling.
Maybe you move your body.
Maybe you tell someone what you need.
These can all be ways of expressing an emotion.
And sometimes, that's exactly what we need.
Expressing emotions can help us communicate that something hurt us.
It can help us ask for support.
It can help us set a boundary.
It can help someone else know what's happening inside us.
But expressing an emotion isn't necessarily the same as experiencing the emotion.
You can talk about something that made you angry without actually allowing yourself to feel the anger.
You can cry and still be trying very hard to avoid what you're feeling.
You can write pages about what happened and still be focused on the story of what happened rather than what you're actually experiencing inside.
Sometimes, what we really need isn't to “get the emotion out.”
We need to allow ourselves to actually feel what is happening inside us. To really experience the emotion.
That might mean noticing the sadness in your chest.
Feeling the anger and noticing the heat in your body.
Noticing the urge to run away, shut down, or push something away—and allowing yourself to be aware of that experience instead of immediately trying to get rid of it.
Nothing dramatic has to happen.
You don't have to cry.
You don't have to yell.
You don't have to talk about it.
You don't have to “get it out.”
Sometimes, the important part is simply allowing yourself to experience what you're feeling instead of immediately suppressing, avoiding, or trying to change it.
So the next time you find yourself thinking, “I need to get this out,” maybe pause for a moment.
What is it that you actually need?
Do you need to express something?
Do you need to tell someone how you feel?
Do you need to communicate a need or a boundary?
Do you need support?
Or do you need to give yourself some space to actually feel what is happening inside you?
Maybe the answer is both.
Maybe you need to express something and allow yourself to feel it.
But maybe you don't need to do anything outwardly at all.
Maybe you just need a little space to notice what's happening inside you.
There isn't necessarily one right way to deal with an emotion.
Sometimes we need to express.
Sometimes we need to simply experience.
Sometimes we need both.
And maybe one of the most helpful things we can realize is that we don't have to have a big emotional release in order to work through what we're feeling.
An emotion isn't something we need to get rid of.
It is an experience.
And we can learn to experience it without being afraid of it, fighting it, or immediately trying to make it go away.
Here’s to calming stress at the source.
With heart,
Louise
The Stress Experts
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